


Present Tense

by fuyuhaji



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Boys In Love, Depression, Gay, Gay Male Character, Implied/Referenced Character Death, LGBTQ Character, LGBTQ Male Character, LGBTQ Themes, M/M, Mental Health Issues, POV Eren Yeager, Post Titan War, Post-Canon, Suicidal Thoughts, This was written between chapters 82 and 83 so I apologize if any information is outdated, ask to tag!, mlm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-24
Updated: 2016-06-24
Packaged: 2018-07-18 00:35:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 7
Words: 3,292
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7292473
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fuyuhaji/pseuds/fuyuhaji
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Written for Armin Week 2016 (June 24th-30th)<br/>25 years after Eren and his companions have won the war against Titans, a journalist visits his cabin on the beach to ask some questions about his deceased...friend?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Day One: Aesthetic

Armin was enchanting with his every moment on this plane of existence.

Every action, every movement, anything he did just captivated everyone.

His hair was softer than even satin, more feathery and fluffy than a juvenile hound's fur. His hair shimmered like wheat fields, glimmering with every shift in position, any slight breeze. Every little movement, even just his chest rising and falling in his sleep, caused his hair to move slightly, catching the light in different ways, rendering the viewer unable to look away. 

His eyes seemed deeper than those oceans he always spoke of, swirling with different hues of blue, always shifting and changing. Those eyes told his entire story, from beginning to end. Those eyes bewitched anyone who dared to look into them, and he accepted that, allowing his very soul to be exposed to the beholder. They sparked in anger, twinkled in excitement and happiness, and seemed to fade, growing ever deeper when he fell into sadness, almost tempting you to fall with him. 

His body language just put the final touches on the shell of this boy that anyone would fall for at first sight. When happy, he would stand on his toes, bouncing slightly. He would speak very quickly, almost as if he had too much to say and too little time to say it in. His voice would rise in pitch as he became more and more enthralled with the story he was spinning, or deepen as he became more immersed in the information he was conveying. 

He trembled almost all the time. From excitement, from anger, from sadness. There was just too much emotion for one small body. 

When he got angry, those eyes of his were murderous, but he would try to stay silent and maintain his serious reputation until he just couldn't take it anymore. When Armin got mad, someone had messed up big time. There was nothing comical about his small frame trembling in rage, his delicate lips forming around every hateful word he spit out.

Waist deep in depression, he simply curled in on himself. His shoulders and back curled forward, his eyes always facing the ground. His hands clenched into fists, his entire body shaking from the effort of not breaking down into tears. He always thought he had to stay strong for us. He usually tried to stay out of sight, hiding himself away in the dark, making himself as insignificant as he possibly could.

When worried, Armin always tried to hide it. But sometimes he broke. He started breathing too quickly, grabbing at his hair, ripping out the beautiful wispy strands, legs giving way under his body. He didn't let many people see that part of him. Just his close friends. 

He only completely exposed himself to me. In the early phases, he wouldn't meet my eyes, his face constantly flushed. It was beautiful. He grew more daring, grabbing my hands, coming to me when he had enough with life and needed someone to help, letting me see the world that he saw. Armin loved me. 

Armin died for me, so many years ago, as I had almost died for him just before that. He seemed to think it was worth it. That victory was worth the sacrifice of his life. I wish I could tell him how wrong he was. 

I miss him every single day. Always have, always will.


	2. Day 2: Elements

That's a strange subject... Armin resembles air if we're talking about those four elements. Air symbolizes logic, and intelligence. But at the same time, it represents human interaction and relationships. 

He basically based his entire life off of logic. His moods ebbed and flowed with how much he thought he actually meant to the world. If he thought he didn't mean anything, he was just a waste, and therefore didn't need to exist. Everyone always tried to tell him otherwise, but it was difficult to gain his trust.

He was always so intelligent. He came up with a lot of plans in the war against Titans. He's saved everyone's lives so many times with those plans. He won the war because of them.

I think that social interaction was very important to him. It got him into a lot of tricky situations as a child, but when he joined the scouting legion, he made a lot of new friends, and strengthened his bonds with his old friends. In a world where everything seemed against him, including himself, his friends were the only ones who really cared.

Relationships? His family died a few years after humanity lost Wall Maria, so the 104th kind of became his family. And we started dating. It's nice to think that I was a positive influence on his life, one of his most successful relationships ever. That doesn't change the fact that I didn't make him want to stay on this planet with me.

I think Armin was more of a fluid person than his Zodiac sign suggests. He was an Earth sign, right? Either way, he... is definitely well represented by air. 


	3. Day Three: Power

You should have seen this boy change. God, it was amazing. When he was a kid, he'd always get beat up. Just because he was different. It wasn't really fair whatsoever, and it made him feel worthless. 

I think he felt like he didn't matter in any way, shape, or form, because the only things he cared about were things others opposed, so he'd only be doing harm to the world.

What did he always say? If you really want to make a difference, you have to be able to give everything up. Even your humanity. I think he thought that up because he just wanted to be worth something to the world no matter what. 

Then we started training, and he got stronger. Mentally and physically. He was training to change the world. He didn't make it in the top ten when we graduated, and he didn't express how upset he was, but I'm sure he was at least a little disgruntled. 

Then after that...I saved him. I had to. He just couldn't move. It was a bad time for him, because he thought that he was so worthless that people that were worth something were wasting their lives because of him. It was a missed opportunity for change. He didn't see himself as any more than an object, but now, worse: a murderer.

He slowly started seeing that he was worth something, that he had skill that could save humanity. I don't think he believed it for a while. It's hard to completely switch mindsets like that. We got closer and we fueled each other with thoughts of the ocean. He started coming up with strategies and putting them into play, saving countless lives.

I think he believed in himself. He believed in his judgement. That's why, in that final moment, he thought Levi was taking down Beastie, and the others were taking down Reiner. He thought that if we won the war, it would be over. He'd become useless again. And he couldn't have that, so he constructed his plan to guarantee us victory and kill himself at the same time. 

A hollow victory. Phyrric, I think, is a good word. We won, but at a very large cost. Armin's life. 

He died stronger, braver than all of us, okay? He believed in his intelligence, in his plan, in us. He fucking took that pain, knowing he might even survive and face even more suffering just by living. 

That boy has been through hell and back, both mentally and physically, and I will not have anyone calling him weak. Because for everything that was against him, he grew, and believed, and fucking won us that war. So if anyone ever says Armin isn't stronger than any of us, they better fucking remember I can turn into a Titan at will and rip them limb from limb. 

No, I'm not crying. Next question?


	4. Day Four: Training

Training was a tough time for Armin. It was when he developed the most, in my opinion.

When we first began training, he was out of shape and couldn't keep up with everyone. But he was stubborn. He worked harder than anyone else in the squad to make it through training with the rest of us.

Oftentimes, though, he couldn't sleep. He was covered in bruises, every muscle in his body aching. He often had nightmares. His family's fate wasn't exactly reassuring. So he usually slept in bed with me. It's not like anyone really minded. Everyone figured me and Armin out before long, but they were all okay with it. I mean, Jean and Marco often snuck off for hours, and we suspected others of being more than friends as well.

But late at night in bed, usually in little more than our boxers, I could see Armin's bruises on his sensitive skin. That was where our relationship really bloomed, I think. Soft kisses in the darkness, Armin's head in the crook of my neck, my arms around his tiny frame. We knew what the other meant with every little movement, every touch. After a while, we barely even needed to talk to communicate.

We were always with each other, if not physically, in spirit. Holding hands at mealtime, helping each other out at training.  Armin went through some dark times, and he wouldn't always let me know what was going on, but I was always there, ready to take him in my arms, fighting off the demons inhabiting his mind. He did the same for me whenever I needed it. It was nice.

He developed into a strong guy, not quite making it into the top 10, but nonetheless successful in training. He found his strong suit in strategy though. His eyes just lit up whenever he started planning anything, and he tuned out everyone around him until the plan was as flawless as he could get it in the time frame allowed. We all remember that from the last battle.


	5. Day Five: Favorite Memory

So… he would probably start crying if I mentioned this, but in the beginning of our service in the Survey Corps, I had to save Armin’s life. I saw him, dangling from that Titan’s mouth, and some strange feeling took over. I just had to get to him, no matter how much it hurt me. I was missing a leg at the time, but it couldn’t have mattered less to me. I could have been ripping muscles and ligaments, displacing bones, but I really didn’t care.

I just needed to save him, because… Armin let me imagine a future for myself. A future besides killing titans. I probably already loved him, even at that point. So I ran to him, I leapt into that titan’s mouth, and I… I grabbed his arm.

It wasn’t the first time we had held hands, but this was different. We both knew one of us was going to die, and he was too shocked to try to keep me from sacrificing myself. Really, I would have made it out with Armin if I could have, but I couldn’t. I would have had to leave him behind. Just look how my plan ended up going anyways.

 So I threw Armin to the roof, hoping he would land safely, and he listened to what we both thought were my last words.

“We can’t die here, can we, Armin? You were the one who told me about it.”

I remembered that moment in our childhoods, the moment I had realized that I wanted a future with Armin, and not trapped in this town. I think I looked into his eyes then, and uttered my last words, almost a confession of the true depth of my feelings.

“That’s why I want to go outside…” With you, I wanted to say. But Armin’s eyes widened, tears flowing freely out of his eyes as he ran for me, refusing that these would be my final words.

I truly regained consciousness when Armin grabbed my hand, cradling it in his, and I felt Mikasa’s arms wrapped around me, still tearful, and Armin’s voice. “What happened?” He squeezed my hand hard, afraid that I was going to leave him, and I squeezed back with as much force as I could muster.

I just wanted to assure the two of them that I wasn’t going anywhere, that I would be okay. I had a dream to fulfil with Armin, after all.


	6. Day Six: Childhood

Armin was pretty much my only childhood friend, before Mikasa arrived, that is. He basically shaped who I am today, really. He inspired me.

The only reason I wanted to fight the titans, to find the ocean, and escape this town, was because of Armin. I looked into his eyes as he was talking about the ocean, and they seemed to be deeper than any body of water possibly could be, shimmering more than any stupid waves could.

I remember I told Armin, much later. “That moment is when I realized I wasn’t free.” I’m not completely sure what I was talking about. Was I talking about loving him? Trapped by Armin’s side, because I loved him so much. Seems poetic enough to believe.

But I feel like it was probably about the walls. I was trapped in the walls, confined to this tiny part of the world, and I hadn’t realized it before that very moment. Armin had unknowingly ruined all of our lives. Especially his.

If he hadn’t spoken to me about the ocean and the lands of sand and whatever, we all would have just gone along with the other kids, to die along with them. But instead, we all fought until the bitter end. Especially him.

Me and Armin were always together. Always. We didn’t really have other friends at all, but we really didn’t mind. In fact, this was almost preferable.

Actually, one day, Armin had been particularly quiet until he asked me a strange question. “Have you ever liked a girl before?” I puzzled over the question for a second. “I don’t think so. Why?”

 He hesitated, face flushing pink. “I don’t think I like girls. Maybe I like guys.” He mumbled the last sentence, looking down. I had never heard of such a concept, and was stunned. “We can do that?” Armin looked up, the beginning of tears forming in his eyes.

“I dunno. But I want to. Girls are… eh.” He said, almost sounding ashamed. “I know what you mean. In fact… maybe I like boys too!” I enthused. He looked up, blushing. “What if we, like, tested it out… just for fun of course…?” He muttered, tripping over his words.

“Sure!” I said, conscious of my own blush. I brought our lips together in a clumsy kiss. Just a peck on the lips, but a little too forceful on my part. I fell back, underwhelmed by the kiss, but overwhelmed by the blonde’s attractiveness. “Wh-what do you think?” I said, genuinely curious.

“I think… I liked that. If you want…m-maybe… we can do that again sometime?” We were both vaguely watermelon colored. “O-of course!” We fell into silence, both silently smiling, looking up at each other from time to time. I stared out into the town and he continued poring over his books.

And we did kiss again. Each time got more serious and more passionate, but we never took it any further. Not before we had already started training, really. But… making out with Armin was really otherworldly.

It made you realize how much he treasured you, and how much you wanted him to feel treasured. He was soft, yet forceful. It was rather beautiful. He got so shy too, in the beginning, but as time went on, he was able to assert dominance when he wanted to.

I miss that. I still miss him. Every single day.


	7. Day Seven: Love/Friendship

You guys sure are nosy, aren’t you? Well… I’ve talked a lot about my relationship with Armin, so I’ll talk about his friends first. Armin had a very strong relationship with Marco, before he died. I was afraid I was losing him, really. But they just bonded together in a purely platonic way, planning and just talking about the future. Maybe they were talking about Jean and I? Who knows? I guess… no one does anymore.

After Marco died, Armin was devastated. Not as badly as Jean, of course, but Armin seemed to feel heavier, like he had a newfound duty on his back. So he started talking to Jean, getting him to come out of his shell, trying to help him out of this depression. Jean trusted Armin, but I don’t know if Armin revealed the truth of the depths of his mind to him. I don’t think they were ever that close. But I believe that Armin was protecting him, for Marco’s sake, and made a new friend along the way.

Armin and Mikasa were really something. After all, they both pined over me for about a decade, and I think they were very open about that to each other, and never got competitive about it. Mikasa was happy when Armin and I got together, because she knew I would be happy with him, just like Armin would be happy for me if I had started dating Mikasa.

Mikasa was always at his side. Always. She tried to understand every part of him that he revealed to her, but there were some things she never truly understood about him. Nonetheless, they were quite close and spent many a quiet afternoon in the meadow by our homes, picking flowers.

He had this odd friendship with Springer, too. They seemed to know when the other needed quiet, when they needed someone to talk to. If you couldn’t find Armin at night, he was probably by the river, whispering to Connie under the stars.

He wasn’t really super close to anyone else… besides me, of course. You know most of our story. We were in love, and somewhat obvious about it, for a very long time. Everyone accepted it. Connie and Sasha were the unofficial Eren + Armin fanclub, actually. It was really sweet. I worried about him a lot. We used to sneak out into the woods late at night when nobody was awake anymore, and just talk, or make out, or sometimes take things a step or two further.

You… should know how much I miss him by now. It hurts to talk about him. And we’ve been talking about him for a while now. Armin and I had a connection that extended deeper than just conciousnesses. Our very souls were meant for each other, and being in love with Armin was almost like… our souls kissing passionately. I could constantly feel his soul entwined with mine, a comforting presence, reminding me of his safety.

When he died… it faded. There’s an empty spot in my heart where Armin should be. I never could fill that spot, because nothing would, nothing will ever feel the same as Armin’s soul against mine, our very hearts, our bodies and tongues entwined. Armin was my soulmate, if such a thing does exist, and I lost mine early. There’s probably a reason for that, but I’m still searching for it.

I’ll never forget him. I won’t be able to. After everything I’ve told you in the past hour or so, do you really still doubt that? Armin… is everywhere. He’s in the wildflowers in the fields, the ocean waves lapping against the shore, in every book I open, in the birds flying above, and in my very heart. Armin means everything to me, present tense. Don’t you forget that, kid. I hope you find your soulmate too.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for loving Armin and thank you for reading!! If you enjoyed, I love seeing kudos and comments on my work, so feel free to hit the kudos button??


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